the Epic Mouthful

Wed Sep 17

Anonymous: life

  • A: As for (Palah)niuk-nik-dom, I LOVE invisible monsters. But Survivor? Brilliantly narrated. And I still get chills thinking about Haunted and Snuff.
  • B: Hah, other than Lullaby and Invisible Monsters, I've only read Choke actually. But I'll take those under advisement if my tsundoku recedes.
  • C: Excellent use of tsundoku, [B]!
  • A: Ha, totally thought that was a pretentious way of saying "when I'm done with this sudoku." Iktsuarpok is directly proportional to casual use of such untranslatables.
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Anonymous: It's all about women's lib.

  • A: Is downtown construction worker cat calling the biggest cliche ever?
  • A: And when you look over to see someone your age, how is this acceptable?
  • B: yes. but a cliché cannot be cliché unless it is tritely repeated ad infinitum
  • B: yuck.
  • A: At no point in this person's life has this been acceptable.
  • A: They were born in the 80s
  • A: WTF???
  • B: totally cat-calling you the next time I see you.
  • A: Haha. But that's funny.
  • B: it's your own fault. for being female. outside. and fully clothed. mind your uppity self.
  • B: I'm going to practice my cat-calling now.
  • A: Seriously! Dress pants, shirt, scarf, giant work bag.
  • A: Don't know what they're seeing that is sexy.
  • B: Slutty. Knew it. Cat-called it.
  • B: stop. going. outside. woman. you should be barefoot and pregnant inside somewhere.
  • A: I do have pretty sexy sunglasses. And my high bun is a real turn on for men. He probably could see my hands and my cheeks.
  • A: H.o.t.
  • B: holy. shit. H-O-T (ha ha ha!)
  • C: What's hot is that you look like you make enough money for the both of you.
  • A: You're saying construction workers are looking for sugar mommas?
  • A: Idk though, that construction worker probably makes more than i do.
  • C: Haha who knows.
  • C: Some men are attracted to a woman who has her shit together. Then they can sit on the couch all day and play video games.
  • C: [...] says it's because it's too cliche to cat call a woman in slutty dress. So this is like modern cat calling.
  • C: He didn't use the term modern. I summarized.
  • C: Basically he is cat calling a modern liberated woman. See he's actually a feminist.
  • B: and, yet, I still do not get cat-called. what, universe??? am I yet too ugly to be objectified by someone beneath me in every aspect??????
  • B: //shakes tiny fist in impotent rage
  • C: A liberated man can't cat call a good looking Asian woman bec it's too cliche. Sorry.
  • B: FML, [C].
  • A: [Hahahaha]
  • B: damn you, universe!!
  • A: I need this conversation printed and framed.
  • A: The feminist construction worker can only cat call well kept ladies that do not fit into a stereotypical cat call victim cliché.
  • A: It makes perfect sense.
  • A: Thank you [...] and [C].
  • C: Sure thing.
  • C: It's all about women's lib.
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Anonymous: Birth Control

  • A: [maybe she] is pregnant
  • B: no way. she would abort it. no question.
  • A: if you were in my uterus, i would abort you too.
  • A: 😟
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Q: How do you get ready for intimate time? Wait, have I been doing it wrong?

A: I write my cheat sheet on the back of my knees, so I can reference it when my legs are up behind my head.
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Tue Sep 16
Will you beat down Bachelorette sluts for us? Anonymous
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You didn’t tell me you had a role as the almost silent Asian roommate in Pitch Perfect!!! Anonymous
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Anonymous: Secure Facilities

  • A: We are moving full steam ahead with the build out of our first ever pop up, and as such, we are dealing with all kinds of awesome and exciting details regarding our space and our landlord. This includes bathroom access.
  • A: Apparently, this bathroom is as secure as the Pentagon. They require full name, day phone number, mobile phone number, and the last four of a SSN for all individuals accessing the facility.
  • B: I look forward to seeing this extremely special bathroom… I hope I have the chance.
  • A: Haha yes, I am curious about it, too. With this level of security, I hope it has nice hand towels. And antibacterial lotion.
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Sun Sep 14
"… took it from someone else who also doesn’t have a source. i’m enjoying the new mock magazine meme!" -Anonymous

"… took it from someone else who also doesn’t have a source. i’m enjoying the new mock magazine meme!" -Anonymous

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Sat Sep 13

But yaaaay … And dog sitting in […] is too glamorous …

I love the f u email.

New drink of choice - gin, grapefruit juice, lime, seltzer water.

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Anonymous: Neighbors

  • A: I do have a cute neighbor. right up your alley, I would say.
  • B: Sigh, nothing's been up my alley in so long
  • A: I have seen this boy twice. very polite.
  • B: Ah, a lady in the streets
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